Draco And The Beanstalk
by SilverOrb
Summary: In which Draco impersonates Jack.


Draco And The Beanstalk 

"Jack quickly took an axe and began to chop the beanstalk as fast as he could. The beanstalk collapsed and the giant died; in result of the fall. At the end, Jack and his mother lived happily ever after, with the gold coins, the goose that laid golden eggs and the magic harp. The end." drawled Draco as he rolled his eyes and tossed the book into the fire, destroying the book completely. 'Not likely. If it was in the real world, 'Jack' would be dead. Killed by the giant. Not only that, you can NEVER chop a magic beanstalk down. You have to hex it!' he thought.

"I can't believe that such a stupid story could end up in a book!" said Draco as though it was the greatest miracle on earth. "Do you, Greg, Vincent?"

The two miniature giants just looked at each other and blinked.

"Oh, come on!" groaned Draco. "You guys are almost as dumb as Potty and his gang! Now let me try this again... Do you, Greg, Vincent think that Jack and The Beanstalk is a dumb story?"

Goyle nodded furiously with a silly smile on his enormous face while Crabbe shook his head with a frown. Draco slapped his hand to his forehead in frustration.

"I can't believe the both of you!" complained Draco. "Now, if I were to do what Jack did... Would I get into a book???"

"Yeah/No way." said Goyle and Crabbe at the same time.

"Now, don't you have something to do?" asked Draco to Crabbe and Goyle with a false smile. "Like flush your head down a toilet? Or something similar to that?"

Crabbe and Goyle began to instantly leave the boys dorm, heading towards the toilet.

"How did I get such smart minions?" cried Draco to himself, running his fingers through his platinum blonde hair.

'Okay, enough groaning about those giants. Now about my book! I could get some beans and steal some potion from Snape and go to the clouds. Or maybe just buy magic beans. They're probably no giants there or there would be no clouds but steel above us. Because a giant is at least a few tonnes in weight... So when I go up to the clouds, I will plan some more! YES! I'm such a genius! MUAHAHAHA!!! cough cough'

* * *

That night...

'Hehehe... So Potter thought he, Granger and the Weasels were the only ones who knew this way to Hogsmeade...' thought Draco slyly. 'But... Too bad, Father told me; so they won't have the pleasure of sneaking to Hogsmeade alone...'

Draco pulled a hood over his head and put on his invisibility cloak that he was so proud of but only the Slytherins knew of. The members of the other houses could only face the consequences of Draco having an invisibility cloak. He especially fond of the memory where he played a trick on Granger then she had blame blamed Potter because she thought that Potter was the only one who had an invisibility cloak, therefore making him the culprit. Draco Malfoy walked towards the hidden prank shop where only those who were important only knew. And Malfoys were ahem important people. He took off his invisibility cloak and entered the shop.

Draco greeted the ugly wizard with a sneer while the wizard smirked back, pleased at his lack of courtesy, Draco skimmed the shelves and found what he needed.

"Aha!" he whispered softly, in triumph.

Joperwacky Narsty's Magic Beans That Follows Your (Almost) Every Wish

He paid fifty galleons for it, rather reluctantly as it was his pocket money for a month but brightened when he realized what he could do to Potter and the rest if the beans don't work.

Draco planted (well, he thought he did when all he did was just throwing it on the ground near the lake and covered it with an illusion spell) the beans and went back to his bed, excited of the results the next day...

* * *

"What the hell???" shouted Draco as he took the spell off the spot where he planted his beans early the next morning.

The beanstalk was the size of a small plant and it grew downwards, not upwards. He shrugged and stepped on the leaf. It began to move like a lift, going down. Of course, Draco had never taken a lift before. Which explains why he was shrieking like a little girl, holding onto the stalk for all he was worth. Anyone would have done that, of course. It was perfectly normal.

When he landed underground, he heard a barely audible scream.

It sounded like : "GIANT!!! MONSTER!!!"

Draco sputtered indignantly.

He was no monster, unlike Granger. He was the devilishly handsome one. Human one, he might add. The whole place looked like a gigantic cave. It was lit up with some sort of shiny rock that lit up like a fire. He suspected it to be magic. He could not even see where the voices came from.

That is, until he looked at the ground.

People, or at least creatures who looked like people were staring and pointing at him. Draco groaned and realized that they were probably muggles.

He shrunk himself to the size of the minuscule people and greeted them with a smirk.

"I am Malfoy, Draco Malfoy." he drawled intimidatingly.

A few minutes later, a construction of a statue, as tribute to the "Powerful" Master Malfoy was started.

* * *

Draco laid on fluffy purple pillows eating grapes in a golden palace. Well, actually being fed. He was also massaged but a scantily clad woman and fanned by two other curvaceous women.

The doors to his 'pillow room' burst open and the king himself bowed before him while Draco honored him with a nod.

"Well, what is it?" he asked, annoyed. "You have interrupted my precious relax session. Do you want to die?"

"But your relax session had lasted all day..." began the king before he was interrupted by the point of Draco's wand on his adam's apple. He swallowed nervously. "I'm terribly sorry, Master Malfoy, there is a giant that we need you to take care of. We need his golden harp and gold eggs laying chicken."

Draco almost gagged onto his last grape.

* * *

"I can't believe I'm doing this." muttered Draco darkly. Of course, there was the promise of a temple dedicated to him. And more power than the royal family.

"Th-This w-way... M-Master..." said a small boy about seven years old. Draco thought that he was hopeless as he stuttered with every single word he said. Unfortunately, he was the guide to the killing chamber.

Draco had no idea how the giants looked like or how powerful they are. All he knew that they were giants, at least to them. And after this adventure (if he survived, of course) he was going to write a book on his heroisms which will make him more popular than Potter after he brought one of two of the hopeless miniature muggles to confirm the truth. He wouldn't be the one to write of course, he'd probably pay Granger to do that. The mudblood would probably be over joyed that he offered her a job. He hoped one good 'Stupefy' would be enough to finish the giants off. Maybe he would ask the muggles to take the picture of him defeating the giants in a heroic posture that will make the front cover of The Daily Prophet. That will make everyone know that he is definitely better than Potter.

Draco vowed not to die during the 'fight' with the giants. His pure blood was too precious to be wasted on people like giants. I mean, giants were just creatures that look like humans that are most possibly mutated. They don't even know magic. Giants were all about brute force. Half giants probably use KwikSpell or whatever they call it to learn magic.

He walked towards a large cave. It didn't even look like a cave because he was already in a cave in the first place. The only difference was that the cave he was going to enter was a little smaller and darker. It was only a few moments later when he head a thunderous snore.

His guide squealed, wet his pants and ran away.

Draco took out his wand and began to step closer to the 'cave'.

'Crabbe can have my collection of muggle women in bikinis. Goyle can have my Weird Sisters Collection.' thought Draco frantically. 'Blaise can have my collection of books of spells. Pansy can take my invisibility cloak. Wait. No way. Pansy can have the honour of burying my invisibility cloak with me.'

Draco finally reached the cave after twenty minutes of sorting out his will. (Mainly trying to choose between giving his mother his precious dragon hide boots or Aunt Bellatrix as a souvenir.)

The snoring grew louder and more thunderous.

At the end, Draco spied the culprit.

It was a house elf, sleeping with a muggle object called a microphone (know thy enemy) and a giant Hi-5 speaker next to it. The house elf was sleeping despite the ear-drum-destroying noise. It was probably enchanted sleep.

Draco was relieved and unplugged the Hi-5 from the microphone. Being genuinely curious on how the object operated without electricity, he edged towards the Hi-5.

At that very moment, the house elf chose to wake up.

House elves were stupid creatures. They always punish themselves even when they do absolutely nothing wrong. Just for amusement, Draco had ordered a few house elves to punish itselves repeatedly. But as every pure blood wizard knew that a free house elf was very dangerous. It has ten times more magic than an average wizard at its worst. At its best, well, for the house elves, defeating The Dark Lord would be easier than breaking a toothpick. Which is why every house elf is to be disciplined and enslaved. No living house elf can not be enslaved. Once enslaved, the house elf's powers will slowly vanish. When the powers completely disappeared, the house elf will die.

Draco took a step backward towards the exit of the cave.

The wrinkled house elf lunged at Draco.

Then, it started to kiss his robes.

"Master save Giggy. Giggy am very thankful!" 'Giggy' cried.

Draco wondered who gave house elves such ridiculous names. He snapped back to reality.

"Um... Yes," said Draco, trying his best to imitate his father. "Yes, I have saved your good-for-nothing life. Now, obey me!"

* * *

"What's wrong with Draco anyway?" asked Pansy curiously.

Blaise prodded Draco's head with his finger.

"I don't know." shrugged Blaise.

"Does that mean he doesn't want his food?" asked Goyle.

Crabbe looked expectantly.

Blaise blinked.

It was one of the rare times where one of the two strung random words into a coherent sentence.

"I guess not..." he said uncertainly.

Draco began to mumble words that sounded suspiciously like : "Giant... God... King... Beanstalk... Giggy..."

While the rest of the Slytherins continued their meal at the Great Hall peacefully, Blaise began to doubt Draco's sanity.


End file.
